Swinging Party

You know what I hate about eating disorders, is the fact that they never go away. I am losing weight for all the right reasons and right ways but Ana and Mia are still there, whispering to me. And it's the little things that trigger them. It can be as much as me noticing a change in the way my body looks, or someone complimenting me about how I look. You wouldn't think much of it but it a raging battle in my head every day and I struggles every day with it. Part of me wishes that it never happened to me, to erase my entire sophomore year so it never happened, that I did not have scars on my arms, but I do. And unfortunately, or yet, fortunately,  this is a part of who I am. I would not be who I am today without my past, in a way its a catch-22. I am strong and independent yet I hurt, in silence.

I am not sure about anyone else but I do not know how to ask for help. It's a sign of weakness to me and as an athlete, I cannot tolerate weakness, especially in the eyes of the enemy. If I need help I am losing and I hate losing. Yet, if I do not get help I might just spiral down a rabbit hole that I do not have the time or energy to climb out of again. That sounds very morbid but I can not relapse,  I would fall behind in my education and I probably would not be able to go away to school again, I would break my parent's trust.

I wear this mask, I feel like I am able to portray to the people around me how happy I am and how confident I am. It weird because I am kind of happy in a weird way but I feel empty too. I feel like a part of me is separated from me, like I left it behind somewhere. Actually, I know where I left it, both times. I left the carefree part or me behind, and I feel myself become guarded and pulling away from people. I try to stop myself from doing it but I do not know how to stop doing it. I am trying my best.

I was told by my dad to always try my best and the rest will take care of itself and I am banking on it this time.